WHEELIE SEXY (first published in Scarlet Mag)
Words: Mik Scarlet
Let's face it, we don't live in a society that thinks of disability as 'sexy'. Most able-bodied people think that coming to a disability as an end to sexiness, and in a way it is. When I found myself facing a life in a wheelchair after my spine collapsed when I was 16, I couldn't see how I was going to form sexual relationships. Due to nerve damage I was not only left with legs that didn't work anymore, but also had to face my future with sexy bits that, while they still had full feeling, had no motor function: put simply, Mr. Wobbly stayed wobbly all the time. With a heavy heart I got used to the idea that I was to face a future alone.
You see I had brought into the myth that sex is all about erections and penetration. Luckily for me, this was back in the early 80s. It was a time when young people questioned all of the sexual stereotypes. Most of my friends turned out to be gay or lesbian and through their friendships I learned the truth about sex. With their help I began to see myself as a sexual being. I also read every sex manual I could lay my hands on. In fact I read all manner of books that I thought might be useful if I was going to be able to please any future partners - I even went as far as to read a S.S. torture manual for the WW2 just in case I ever ended up naked with a masochist.
Great sex should leave you sweaty, knackered, fulfilled and very happy. Now, that's the sex that I get - and if you follow these tips, so will you.
Step one: Set yourself free
Penetration can be a prison for sexuality. Yes it can be fantastic, but getting too hung up on 'the old in-out' can lead to a very unfulfilling sex life. While some women can only reach orgasm through being filled up, most find themselves getting there thanks to the clitoris. But every woman is different. Some like gentle stimulation, some enjoy a more aggressive direct approach and others change their tastes like the wind changes direction. This means you need to talk to your partner. Tell them what you like. If you don't know, let them experiment and help them out by saying "Oh Yes!" when they get it right and "Oh No!" when they don't (but be gentle with them - nothing ruins your confidence like a partner knocking your technique).
Step two: Open your mind
There is one sex organ that is even more important than the clitoris and that's the mind. Fantasy and imagination can make sex so much more rewarding. So forget any hang-ups you might have, ignore any baggage you might have (either from religion, parents or bad experience) and most off all learn to leave guilt behind.
When you have power over your own mind you can try a trick I call Hands Free Masturbation. Once you've worked out how to do it, sex becomes a whole new ball game (if you'll excuse the pun). To learn HFM you need to make yourself a gap in your day, preferably just before going to sleep. Lie down, and think the sexiest, dirtiest thoughts you can imagine. It doesn't matter what you think of, as long as it hits your spot.
Hopefully this will get you turned on nicely. When you feel your body starting to respond to what's happening in your head, don't touch yourself. Instead make your fantasies go even wilder. Really let yourself go. At the same time start focusing on the nice feelings that will be getting more intense as you fantasise.
For the first few times you might need to touch yourself, but only give in if you really have to. If you keep resisting the urge, you will find yourself coming just through the power of your imagination. This fantastic skill can help in many ways. It can be used to ensure you come together, to make any sex that extra bit special and lets you wank anytime, anywhere.
Step three: The Real Head Fuck
The best part of learning HFM is that you can then use the technique to make other parts of your body as responsive as your genitals. It's something I teach to disabled people who have lost sensation in their sexy bits, as it means they can start to really enjoy sex on an equal footing with their partners. What it means to able-bodied shaggers is that you can make any part of your body a 'Love Button'.
All you have to do when you're trying a bit of HFM is move your focus from your groin (where the nice feelings tend to start) to another part of your body. I would advise you start with your nipples; they're already erogenous zones so it's easier to redirect the sexy feeling to them, but any part of your body that you enjoy having touched will do. Try to push yourself over the edge without focusing on your groin. If you need to, touch the part of your body you are focusing on, just to make the sensation more acute.
Now you can go mad and cover your body in 'Love Buttons'. I even know of a guy who was a tetraplegic (had broken his neck like Christopher Reeve) who turned the end of his nose into a sex organ. Just imagine how much fun it must be having a cold.
And finally: Never say Never
The best thing that I've learned on my way to becoming the sexually confident crip I am today is: Never be afraid to try something and always take the 'can do' attitude one step further. In the words of Diane, my fiancé and the love of my life, "If you try something and you don't like it, try it again just to make sure!"
Mik's Disabled Bodied Sex Tips
If you're really into bondage, get yourself a wheelchair. They're covered in convenient fixing points, and it means you can wheel your 'captive' wherever you wish.
A wheelchair is also great to be fucked in! Just sit back, and let him go to work on you while he's kneeling between your legs.
(Trust me, for some reason men go "all weird" when they see their girl sitting in my chair... and then sidle up to me to see if I have a spare they could borrow)
If you've got hold of a wheelchair (the red cross rent them by the day) you might as well go for it, so go to www.alexandra.co.uk and purchase a real nurses uniform and maybe a doctor's white coat. Then play "Ultra Doctors & Nurses".
The power play of needing to be cared for and telling your carer what you need can be a real turn on, so try it. Role-play that you need to be washed and dressed (but let him decide what he dresses you into). Then of course you explain you have other "medical" needs that he must help you with. You decide what they are... do I have to do everything round here?
Even I found Rosanna Arquette clad in designer callipers in the film "Crash" sexy... maybe try strapping up your legs... gaffer tape is best and can be cut off afterwards. I wish I knew were they got those sexy metal legs from!!!
I could go into the whole incontinence/golden showers scenario but those of us disabled types who aren't steer clear of this whole scene just in case our partner gets the wrong idea!!!
Basically wake up to the fact you're going to die one day, every day might be your last and make sure you enjoy whatever you do!
Mik's - Reasons Why Loving A Crip Is Fantastic
1. Wheelchair users just can't run away - how many men can you say about?
2. Once we've finished, YOU won't want to run away.. haha!
3. You'll away have a seat (their lap) no matter how packed a pub or club is!
4. Those of us with pain control issues have the ability to get hold of some great drugs, on the NHS!
5. Oh and GP's tend to chuck Viagra at us freely too (Bugger knows why, if it's nerve damage that's making hardness too damn hard to achieve no amount of bloody pressure treatment is going to help). But if you are into hardness in your men's bits, we can get a drug that makes us hard as rock... for up to seven hours! You try thinking of different ways to shag for seven hours... I mean you get really, really knackered after four or five!!
6. If your prospective disabled date has a car on Motobility, then he can have another driver on his insurance free of charge. So even if he's a crap shag, you can drive his car for free.
7. Ever wondered how loud you can make a deaf person scream when they come?
8. And a blind lover will never know what you look like the morning after ("Yes darling I look just like Angelina Jolie")
9. Without wanting to sound crap, we'll be bloody grateful (oh, sad there Mik)
10. Hopefully they will never be asked to try and think of ten reasons why shagging a cripple is fantastic now I've done it... boy it's hard (a first for me)